Mab Gab

Well, I have grounded myself. Which is fine, I need to be. One day a week, free of plans and work, with one obligation and that is to spend time on a solid job search and consume copious amounts of coffee. It’s a little depressing, lonely, and scary to think about the future because I am more terrified of change now than I was, say 5 years ago? When did I get so fearful? Geeze, but hey, this year is all about discomfort, aggressiveness, some crazy freakazoidness, closing my eyes, just getting it done already, and zapping myself into new and creepy environments!

And relative to a great conversation I had with a friend last night is begging the question. What are you worth?

Like most girls, I love shopping but I also hate it too. I love secondhand clothing stores like the veterans store, good will, buffalo exchange, and crossroads. I don’t care if a scarf is haunted and I can disassociate what the previous owner did with said article of clothing! The gains far outweigh the ghosts. I find stuff that are fun to wear, decently priced, and a peace of mind that I am reusing instead of throwing. The kind of shopping I hate are the grownup stuff. Um like mutual funds, groceries (it reminds me of the cooking stress), cleaning supplies, toiletries, oh, unless I am at Sephora! But where I am the worst when it comes to shopping is my chronic addiction to purchasing tickets. Both airline and concerts, they are after all my two loves in life; music and traveling. Can Mab cutback? We shall see.

HI! How are you? We haven’t spoken in a while. But that’s okay. I haven’t the energy to be upset at you, after all, communication is a 2 way door. The past two weeks have left me emotionally drained, having to find the strength to go home, popping the antihistamines, have a conversation with my mother, and also unearthing the strength to know my worth in the garbage can on it all. Also, I’ve decided to take a sabbatical from dating, I’ve solidified it into my brain that I am not okay with being blown off and I’d like to be happy, respected, and committed to someone who is beautiful inside. At 28, I think a little intimacy would do me good as well jumping back into more yoga to compensate for the lack of cupcakes! Awful I know. Maybe in a week or 2 I can change my mind! Who knows what this year will draw up?

Pull you’er self together mate!

Hello. So today is an interesting day for me. I’m in a funky mood but it’s not a bad one nor a good one and there is something about it that is very relaxing, best part is, it’s not self medicated induce. Maybe it’s a “calming before the storm” sort of thing. Also, my head is churning with thoughts of Brian Molko, Edward from New Moon, and this amazing Justice remix of MGMT’s Electric Feeling that I heard while on the bus this morning. I’m also drinking the Chelsea Blend today which always shifts me from mental meandering to deep introspection. And when there is deep introspection, there is always, always, an accompanying mood.

1. anything that Aleta makes
2. pumpkins
3. avocado
4. Mango curry
5. Coconut in all it’s glorious forms
6. Cacao
7. Hot Chocolate, particularly, mint hot chocolate or mexican hot chocolate.
8. Chai spices
9. Basil and Pesto on my pizza
10. The garlic bread from Bucca di Pippo (how is that spelled?)
11. Walker’s shortbread
12. Ice cream sandwiches
13. Rose flavored Gelato
14. Brussel Cookies
15. Russian Tea Cakes
16. Deviled Eggs
17. The Peanut butter moo’d at Jamba Juice
18. Fish Filet sandwich at McDonalds
19. The honey mustard sauce they have at McDonalds
20. The veggie Burger at the Irish Bank
21. Ahi Poke Bowl at Pacific Catch
22. The Volcano Roll at Sushi Rock
23. Lyche Martinis
24. witbieren
25. Koeningshoeven, dubbel
26. Creme brule
27. Salads with pears and roquette
28. Lauren’s apple pie
29. Pansit canton NOT bihon
30. Sinigang
31. Bi bam bop
32. kimchi
33. ravioli
34. lemon drop martinis
35. filtered saki
36. beaujolais wine
37. stinky cheeses
38. Lara’s mom’s ginger tea
39. Trader Joe’s bedtime tea
40. Tom yum soup

It’s hard to be a “man lover” when you don’t have to look far in one’s life to see incident after incident that validates your loss of faith in the majority of our friends, the male sex. What is it exactly that encourages them to sexually proposition you AFTER you’ve said “no.”

It’s like the first word you learn as an infant?

I’ve been spending time with someone who, I think, is pretty amazing. I am completely engaged in the adventures that we have, the very late nights where I see the sunrise due to hours of cupcakes, the constant reminder that there is a world outside my cubicle, and that how we treat each other, matters.

In the tradition of all things moi, it is without a doubt, tongue and cheek. What is also very traditional is the fear of rejection. I don’t know if I knew it at the time, but Adrian accepted me for all that I am and the Muffin, well, it felt like he rejected all that I was. But what is nice to know is that I’m not that person anymore, I’m less afraid, less naive, and more grateful for the things that surround me. I’d much rather be rejected for me than to be accepted, temporarily, for someone else’s impression of me.

To be honest, I care less about what the future will bring, I care less if I’m good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, and successful enough. I care more about the moments, I mean, isn’t that what life really is at the end of the day? Just a bunch of moments and what we take from them?

Unfortunately I am at a quandary, I’m still behind the glass, I still revel a lot in the distance, and I’m not sure if my past experiences have softened or hardened me. Whateva… I can tell you this, I’m saying a lot more “yes” and a lot less “no’s” and forcefully, I’m trying my best to not use my shyness as a crutch and to speak up for myself so that I can be myself, whomever she may be

“Emotions are the mind’s near-instantaneous evaluation of a perceived fact or idea as either good or bad for the individual.” -unknown

Have you ever mulled a question in your mind and then something independent of those thoughts occur to answer that question?

Have you ever felt like someone was smoking so much crack that they failed to notice that the blank look on your face is actually a retort?

At least pumpkins are in season!